The very next day the American army, commanded by George Washington, defeated
the king of England on the field of battle. Washington personally defeated the
king in a duel and then he was all about to cut his head off but he hesitated
thoughtfully and said "no, that is what you British do. I will spare your life.
Go back to England and never return." The United States never fought the British
again and lived peacefully with its neighbors Canada and Mexico.

It wasn't until many years later when the French and British begged America
for help that we involved ourselves in World War I. They were about to lose that
but we kicked the German's asses for them. Then like 50 years later Germany had
forgotten about the top shelf beatdown we handed them so they started up again
and we went back over there without Britain or France even asking and Teddy
Roosevelt was like "unfinished business" then he fucking harpooned Hitler right
in his face. There were explosions everywhere and somehow the Japs got uppity
too and so we bombed them back down into their caves. I'm getting off topic
though.

I hope everyone reading this is just taking time out from their incredible
Fourth of July celebration. For those of you who aren't lucky enough to live in
the United States and enjoy all of our freedoms (we are by far the freest
country in the world) then maybe you can light some sheets of paper on fire or
something and pretend they're fireworks unless some sort of Frenchy cop comes in
with a waxed moustache and says "sacre blue, what does this look like, America?
You are all slaves to our communist government! Put that out immediately!"
Meanwhile in the USA we are exploding things that have no business being
exploded like boomerangs and clouds and shit. Things you didn't even think could
be blown up are getting blown up right this minute. Last year in Chicago some
dude managed to throw a cherry bomb into fifth dimensional space and blew that
up all crazy.

Speaking of space, NASA is proving once again that we don't take shit
from space foreigners either by blowing up a comet. I hope there were like ten
thousand little green space Mexicans on that thing headed to earth to take all
of our prized crop-picking jobs and they were just like "KA-POW!" Happy Fourth
of July, astro-hombres!

Something Awful
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: Sloan - The Marque and the Moon

* * *

Christ is risen!

If any be a devout lover of God, let him partake with gladness from this
fair and radiant feast. If any be a faithful servant, let him enter rejoicing
into the joy of his Lord. If any have wearied himself with fasting, let him now
enjoy his reward. If any have labored from the first hour, let him receive
today his rightful due. If any have come after the third, let him celebrate the
feast with thankfulness. If any have arrived after the sixth, let him not be in
doubt, for he will suffer no loss. If any have delayed until the ninth, let him
not hesitate but draw near. If any have arrived only at the eleventh, let him
not be afraid because he comes so late. For the Master is generous and accepts
the last even as the first. He gives rest to him who comes at the eleventh hour
in the same way as to him who has labored from the first. He accepts the deed,
and commends the intention.

Enter then, all of you into the Joy of our Lord. First and last, receive
alike your reward. Rich and poor, dance together. You who have fasted and you
who have not fasted, rejoice today. The table is fully laden: let all enjoy it.
The calf is fatted: let none go away hungry. Let none lament his poverty; for
the universal Kingdom is revealed. Let none bewail his transgressions; for the
light of forgiveness has risen from the tomb. Let none fear death; for the
death of the Savior has set us free.

He has destroyed death by undergoing death. He has despoiled hell by
descending into hell. Hell was filled with bitterness when it met thee face to
face below: filled with bitterness, for it was brought to nothing; filled with
bitterness, for it was mocked; filled with bitterness, for it was overthrown;
filled with bitterness, for it was put in chains. It received a body, and encountered
God. It received earth, and confronted heaven. O death where is thy sting?

O hell, where is thy victory? Christ is risen, and thou art cast down.
Christ is risen and the demons are fallen. Christ is risen, and the angels
rejoice. Christ is risen, and life reigns in freedom. Christ is risen, and
there is none left dead in the tomb. For Christ, being raised from the dead,
has become the first-fruits of those that slept. To him be glory and dominion
to the ages of ages.'

-- homily of St. John Chrysostom traditionally read at the Easter All-Night
Vigil in the Orthodox Church

* * *

Plus, to add to the confusion, a mad inventor strapped a thermos to a plastic
bag and decided to market it as a fire safety helmet. Because, after all, the
best way to deal with a fiery death is to distract yourself with a smaller,
stupider crisis.

Murray: "Life is
hard here at the bag factory. Hey wait. Check this out, Ted. I think if we take
the warnings off these things, we can sell them to people to protect from smoke
inhalation."

Ted: "They'll be protected from regular inhalation, too. That means they'll
die, Murray."

Murray: "But not from fire!"

Ted: "People with plastic bags over their head sound like this:
'Hweeeeeeeeee!'"

Murray: "Ha ha ha ha ha!"